Cables of all kinds. Charger cables, television cables, sound cables, even cables in homes that don’t belong to me. Cables are the tangled web of ropes that ties my perfectionist soul to this grimy little earth. Hide them or I’ll cut them. Or I’ll cut you.
2. Dirty fingernails
Gross. Just … gross.
3. Smudges on touch screens
Worse than dirty fingernails, because at least dirty fingernails belong to someone else’s fingers. I can never be sure who those mysterious paw prints on my touch screen belong to, because they ain’t mine and, in a moment, I’m gonna have to touch that same screen myself. Wet wipe anyone?
4. Singing off key
90% of Idols contestants on their first night in front of an audience. Florence and the Machine. Li’l Wayne, if you can call that singing. Courtney Love. Janis Joplin when she was high, which was mostly. Christina Aguilera, even though she loses it willfully. And, dear God, Shakira. Need I go on? Find the note, if it’s the last thing you do, dear. Just find it, and then hold it. Actually, never mind, stop. Just stop.
5. Spelling errors on CVs
Look, it’s hard enough for me to deal with your illiterate incompetence on WhatsApp and social media. But, dear Lord, have some respect and ask someone to read your CV before you send it to me. Show it to someone who knows the difference between to, too, and two, at the very pathetic least.
The unsavoury, sloppy individual who came up with this messy solution to male urinary needs should be drawn and quartered. It brings out the worst in men. From the splash-back, to the smell, to those horrible odour tablets, to the awkward indecent exposure, to the unsuccessful attempts at joking away public farts. Enough. They’re antiquated and disgusting. Pee in the cubicle toilet, dammit! You won’t magically turn into a woman, not even if you sit down to do it.
7. Trousers and ties that are either too short or too long
Your trousers should cover at least the second shoe lace hole in your shoe, and your tie should at least touch your belt buckle. The latter is neither a penis flap, nor a baby’s bib, and the former is neither a pair of knickerbockers, nor pantyhose. Your mother should have taught you that.
8. Squeaky shoes
I don’t need to hear you coming. Nor leaving. Walk around in them at the shop to make sure they’re sufficiently stealthy before you buy them. I can deal with the fright of you sneaking up on me. But that insistent chee-chee-cheeking of yours, up and down the office corridors? Not so much.
9. Squeaky office chairs
Let’s just say I’m a familiar voice on our Facilities support line at work. Nothing a willing janitor and a can of oil can’t sort out for me in a jiffy. Don’t be shy. Call it in. Even if it’s not yours. You’ll do us all a favour.
10. That sticky residue left after removing price stickers from gifts
The fact that, in this age of miraculous modern technology, we haven’t figured out yet how to make price stickers that don’t leave a messy gunk when you remove them from gifts is beyond me. I inevitably end up either spoiling, breaking, or tearing the expensive gift I’ve just bought, or – if I ignore the sticky smudge – feeling guilty about how obvious and embarrassing it is that I’ve spent money buying the damn thing in the first place. Annoying, truly annoying.